


Saudade

by secretsidgenowriter



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Established Relationship, Geno/OMC, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, sidney/omc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 12:10:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17704022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretsidgenowriter/pseuds/secretsidgenowriter
Summary: (n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; “the love that remains.”





	Saudade

**Author's Note:**

> Special thinks to icedbatik for beta reading! I know it was a real mess and you're a champ.

 

 

Sid hears the door open a little after eight.

He hears Geno’s heavy and tired footsteps, followed by the keys clinking against the ceramic as he sets them in the bowl by the door.

The door closes and the footsteps continue, which means he didn’t stop to take his shoes off at the door, which means he’s probably tracking snow and slush through the apartment.

With a sigh, Sid pushes himself up from where he’s been stretched out on the couch and twists around to watch him.

Geno’s standing in the kitchen, shoes and coat still on and his bag still across his chest as he sorts through the mail that Sid forgot to get when he got home.

“Hey,” Sid says and Geno looks up with a soft smile on his face.

Geno drops the mail onto the table, where the two piles he was creating topple over and slide together as he walks over. He leans down, resting his elbows on the back of the couch so he can press an easy kiss to Sid’s mouth. “Hey,” he says back, “how was day?”

“It was fine. Dinner is in the microwave.”

“You eat already?”

Sid lifts one shoulder to shrug. “I was hungry. I couldn’t wait.”

Geno kisses his cheek and straightens up. “Such stupid day, Sid. Big problem with flamingos coming in from Miami next week. Guess who has to stay and fix?”

“You’ve been staying late a lot.”

Geno hums as he drops his bag on one of the kitchen table chairs and hangs his coat up on the hook. Finally, he takes off his shoes — and wrinkles his nose when he promptly steps in a puddle of slush with socked feet.

“I’m know,” he continues. “I tell them, something happen tomorrow, I go home. Get someone else. Not staying late four days in a row.”

“I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Sid, am big deal there,” he says with a cocky grin and Sid ducks his head down to hide his smile behind his arm. “Head curator. Who gets me in trouble?” He shakes his head and pops open the microwave then looks back over his shoulder. “You make the chicken with the jalapeno and cheese again?”

“I know you like it,” Sid says and Geno leaves the plate in the microwave and crosses the distance to kiss him again, a little harder and a little deeper this time.

“Perfect,” Geno says, “you perfect. You say work was just fine,” he asks on his way back to the kitchen.

“That’s all work ever is.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Sid.” He pauses to turn the microwave on, probably for too long. “Quit job.”

Sid snorts. “Ha. And do what?”

“Whatever. Find team to coach, go back to school, teach, see if Penguins are hiring. You always want to do hockey. Now is chance. Never should have given that up.”

Sid laughs humorlessly. Hockey was a dream of his but dreams rarely ever come true. Going to school and getting a job seemed like the more stable and responsible path. It’s the path that brought him to Geno. He can’t regret that.

“The Pens would never hire me for anything.”

“Only never if you don’t try. You can’t do that job forever.”

“It’s good money.”

“Sid, I make good money. You can quit and figure things out. We still afford apartment and food and clothes and fun. Will be okay.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Sid says as he pushes himself up off the couch. “I’m going to bed.”

“Is early.”

“I’m tired.”

“Sid.”

Sid stops and looks back to the kitchen. Geno’s leaning on the back of a chair as he opens his mouth and shuts it again, with a dozen different things he wants to say but can’t.

“I’ll be to bed soon,” he says, finally. “Going to eat and watch TV for a bit.”

“Okay. Goodnight then.”

“Sid.”

Sid sighs and looks back again.

“I love you,” Geno says and Sid knows.

“I love you, too,” he says back and it’s the truest thing he’ll ever say.

He loves Geno so much it hurts. He doesn’t know why it has to hurt.

-

“You need to do these again.”

Sid looks up from his computer. Sandra is standing beside his desk with a stack of papers in her hand. Yesterday’s reports.

“I did those yesterday,” Sid says and winces because it is as dumb as it sounds.

“I know you did,” she says, voice edging on impatience. “But you need to do them again. We got new data and it needs to be entered.”

“When did the new data come in?”

“Yesterday around noon.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about it then? I would have fixed it.”

She shrugs and drops the paperwork onto his desk. The papers slide free of the paperclip and fan out. “I was busy. Do you think you can get it done by the end of the day.”

Sid glances down at the time in the bottom corner of his monitor. It’s already quarter past two and there’s no way he’ll get it done before five. But Sandra doesn’t want to hear no.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he says and Sandra rolls her eyes and heads back into her office.

Sid stares down at the paperwork until his vision swims. He rapidly blinks away the tears and fishes his phone out of the top drawer. When he pushes his chair back and stands up, not one of his coworkers looks up from his work. No one is concerned. No one even notices him. He is alone here. He has no one.

February in Pittsburgh is miserable.

It’s snow and ice and freezing rain and wind that blows straight through every layer that you wear.

On the top floor of his office’s parking garage — the only place that’s private and gets cell service — Sid wraps his coat around himself as tightly as possible and, with fingers that are already red from the cold, calls Geno.

It rings and rings and finally clicks over to voicemail. Frustrated, Sid hangs up and tries again and again, getting the same results each time.

Tears flood his eyes again, out of frustration or from the stinging cold, he’s not sure, but he quickly wipes them away with the back of his hand and tries one more time.

When it goes to voicemail this time, he takes a shaky breath.

“Can you call me when you get this, please? I’m not having a good day and I just need to talk to someone. You. I need to talk to you. So can you please call me back? Please.”

Sid hangs up and stands outside in the cold until he’s numb.

Geno doesn’t call him back until Sid’s on his way home.

Sid’s pissed when the call comes through the speakers of the car.

“What?” Sid snaps when he answers and Geno is quiet for a moment.

“You call me. You okay?”

“I called you three hours ago. I needed to talk to you three hours ago.”

“Was working, Sid. Call as soon as I could. You want to talk now?”

“No, I don’t want to talk now. Right now I’m just trying to get home without fucking dying on the highway. Fuck,” he yells as someone cuts him off. “I fucking hate it here.”

He hangs up and bangs his hand on the steering wheel, setting off the horn.

It doesn’t make him feel any better.

Geno’s in the kitchen when Sid finally gets home.

He’s changed out of his work clothes and into sweats. There are two boxes of pizza on the table and a six-pack of beer on the counter.

On any other night this would look like heaven, but right now all it does is set Sid’s teeth on edge.

“Glad you get home safe,” Geno says as he busies himself by pulling plates out of the cabinet. “You talk now?”

Sid takes his shoes off and hangs up his coat beside Geno’s. “No.”

“Never want to talk anymore.”

“Well, you’re not really there to answer so …”

Geno drops the plates on the table. “Not fair. I was at work.”

“So was I.”

“Work you hate but won’t leave.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s stupid. I’m stupid, just say it.”

“I don’t say that but yes, okay, what you doing now is stupid. I get you mad and you want to yell and be mean and say wrong things but this is not my fault. Why you mad is not my fault. Don’t get to act like it is. You mad because job is so shitty but you don’t change it. You don’t try. You be mad about that but you don’t get to be mad at me for doing nothing wrong. Not doing that, Sid. Won’t listen to it.”

“Then don’t listen to it.”

“Fuck, Sid, what the fuck?” Geno shouts. “What do you want me to do? I say sorry, I call you back, I’m here to talk and listen. What do you want?”

“I don’t know,” Sid admits and Geno stares at him then sighs and shakes his head.

“Fine,” he says quietly. “You don’t know, is fine. You eating or not?”

They eat in silence sitting across from each other, feet carefully not touching beneath the table.

 

Sid’s been in bed alone for an hour when he hears the television click off in the living room.

The entire apartment is engulfed in a thick silence that makes Sid feel more alone than ever.

He waits for footsteps to come down the hall but there’s nothing. Just the heavy quiet of words left unsaid.

He can’t sleep like this. He can’t live like this.

Geno’s on the couch with his hands clasped over his chest and the afghan that Taylor crocheted for them covering his legs. His feet stick out from beneath the bottom and are propped up on the arm of the couch and when Sid steps up beside him he takes his eyes off the ceiling to look at him.

Geno sighs and Sid moves, climbing onto Geno’s lap, knees on either side of Geno’s hips, and leaning down so their foreheads are pressed together.

Geno wraps his arms around Sid’s back and splays his hands out over his shoulder blades, touching as much of him as he can.

Sid wants to get as close as possible. He wants to hold Geno so tightly he can feel his heart against his own — a reminder that it’s still here and still beating. That he can still feel _something._

“Sid,” Geno whispers and Sid squeezes his eyes shut even tighter.

“I don’t know,” Sid whispers back. “I don’t know.”

He doesn’t know what this is or how he’s feeling. Why everything feels tight and bunched together beneath his skin. He wants to scratch and claw his way out but he has no idea what he’ll do after that and it’s terrifying. He hates this, all of it. He wants to open his eyes and have everything magically be the way it was. When he was happy. When _they_ were happy.

Geno kisses him and Sid doesn’t think twice about deepening it. He threads his fingers through Geno’s hair and settles more weight down onto Geno’s lap, desperate to feel something.

They’ve always been good at this. Even when they’re pissed at each other for no good reason at all, sex has always brought them back together and cleared their heads. It always made them realize that whatever they’ve been fighting about isn’t that important.

Right now it feels like a last-ditch effort.

Geno moans into the kiss as he sits up and pulls Sid’s shirt over his head. He drops it to the floor and Sid kicks the afghan off Geno’s legs and leans back, tugging Geno with him. Geno scrambles to get his legs out from beneath Sid so he can press Sid down against the cushion. Sid tips his head to the side and bares his neck. Geno scrapes his teeth against the hinge of Sid’s jaw then soothes the spot with a kiss when Sid hisses and tugs at his hair.

“You’re wearing too much,” Sid says as he slides his hands from the back of Geno’s head to the collar of his shirt. Geno slides all the way off of him and stands up, swiftly pulling his shirt off and stepping out of his sweats.

“Lift,” he says as he pinches Sid’s hips. Sid plants both feet flat on the cushion and so Geno can slide his sleep pants down his legs.

Geno kicks everything beneath the coffee table then settles back between the cradle of Sid’s thighs.

Sid rolls his hips up as Geno presses down and they both moan into a kiss.

It’s slow and heated and Sid feels worn out, boneless, after he comes with Geno’s hand wrapped around him and Geno’s mouth sucking a bruise into his collarbone.

“Perfect,” Geno says as he presses kisses up the column of Sid’s throat. “Best.”

Sid hums and hitches his leg farther up around Geno’s hip and lets Geno thrust against the crease of his thigh, sweat and come easing his way.

“I love you,” Sid says as Geno’s rhythm starts to stutter and his breath comes out in short gasps. “I love you so much, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he babbles. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Sid,” Geno rasps out then groans as he goes still and comes over Sid’s stomach. He drops his head to Sid’s shoulder and Sid runs his fingers through Geno’s hair until Geno turns his head to the side to breathe into Sid’s neck. “Perfect,” he says sounding drunk and Sid laughs. Everything seems easy. It feels like he’s floating.

“We are really good at that.”

Geno hums and starts to get up. “Should go to bed,” he says but Sid wraps his hand around his arm.

“No, don’t.” He doesn’t want to leave this spot, where things are good. “Stay here.”

“Just go to get something to clean up.”

“Use my shirt.”

“Sid,” Geno says, sounding fond and exasperated all at once, “will be right back.”

Regretfully, Sid lets him go and throws his arm over his eyes as Geno clicks on the light so he doesn’t trip on his way to the kitchen.

Sid hears him turn on the faucet and let the water run long enough for it to heat up before sticking something beneath the stream, disrupting the steady flow. The faucet shuts off and Geno’s footsteps get closer until they stop beside the couch. Sid flinches as the dish towel touches his skin. It’s not as warm as it needs to be but Geno’s gentle with it, wiping away the mess with a soft touch. He cleans himself off then drops the towel to the floor with their clothes and stretches out on the couch beside Sid.

“Would he more comfortable in bed,” Geno gripes as he reaches blindly for the forgotten afghan. “More room. More blankets.”

“I’m comfortable,” Sid says. “This is why we bought this big couch, remember, so we could both fit.”

“Yes, remember,” Geno says as he shifts his shoulders, trying to find the best way to lie. “We tell salesman we need couch big enough to cuddle after sex. He brings us to this.”

Sid laughs and kisses the hollow of Geno’s throat. This is good. This is easy. This is the way it used to be.

“I love you,” Sid says, suddenly serious and the teasing smile drops from Geno’s face. “I feel like I don’t say it enough.”

“You say lots,” Geno says as he touches the newly formed bruise over Sid’s collarbone with the tips of his fingers.

“But not enough.”

Geno crooks his finger beneath Sid’s chin and tips his face up. “Is not about enough. You say or don’t say, I know.”

“Yeah, but I’m just worried — .”

“Shh, shh,” Geno soothes as he pulls Sid against his chest. “Don’t worry.” He kisses the top of Sid’s head. “Just go to sleep.”

 

Sid wakes up to a hand gently shaking his shoulder. He reaches out for Geno but he’s not there.

“Come back,” Sid mumbles, clutching at the pillow, “it’s early.”

Geno runs his fingers through Sid’s hair and says, “Actually pretty late. Have to leave soon.”

Sid’s entire body jolts awake as he sits up. He twists around on the couch and grabs Geno’s right wrist and squints at the face of his watch.

“Oh fuck, I’m gonna be so late, why didn’t you wake me up?”

He tries to stand but Geno puts his hands on Sid’s shoulders and gently eases him back down. Geno has the leverage to keep him there and when he leans down and wraps his arms around Sid and hooks his chin over his shoulder, Sid can’t move.

“Stay home,” Geno whispers into his ear and holds him tighter when Sid opens his mouth. “Stay home, sleep. You know you need it.” Geno slowly lets him go and steps around to the front of the couch. He sits down on the coffee table and wedges his knees between Sid’s then runs his hands over Sid’s thighs. “You have sick days you never take. Take one. Take two. You look tired, Sid,” he says then holds up one finger. “No argue, know I’m right.” Sid looks down at Geno’s hands, strong yet delicate, and nods.

“Ah, you listen to me? Is miracle,” he jokes then leans forward to kiss the unamused frown off Sid’s lips. “Come on,” he says as he holds his hand out. “Get you to bed.”

Sid puts his hand in Geno’s and lets himself be pulls to his feet. “You should go. I don’t want you to be late.”

Geno flaps his free hand at him as he leads him down the hall. “Have to tuck you in so I know you stay.”

“They’re going to be mad that I’m calling out,” Sid tells him as they step into the bedroom. “Or, they won’t even know I’m missing. It’s one of the two.”

Geno makes a noise of disapproval as he fluffs the pillow and pulls back the covers. “They stupid if they get mad and even stupider if they not miss you.”

Sid climbs into bed and Geno pulls the covers back over his body and actually tucks him in around his hips and waist.

“You comfortable?” he asks and slides Sid’s phone closer on the end table so he doesn’t have to reach for it. “Need anything else?”

Sid shakes his head but grabs hold of Geno’s hand. “Are we okay?”

Geno shakes his head but says, “Of course we okay. Why you even ask?”

Sid looks down at their hands, loosely clasped together. “C’mon, G. Things have been … different lately. Hard. Or is that just me?”

Geno sighs and sits down on the edge of the bed. He laces their fingers together. “Not just you,” he admits. “Know how you feel. But is okay, I think. When something is real and good, sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s work.”

“But it’s never been like this before.”

“Well then, we due,” he says with a small smile. He kisses Sid’s forehead and stands up, letting go of Sid’s hand so he can swipe at the wrinkles on his pants. “I see you later, okay? Sleep lots and eat all the bad food for you, food you pretend to buy for me but I know you buy for yourself.” He picks up Sid’s hand and presses his lips to Sid’s knuckles. “Going to be okay, I promise. Too much love for it to be anything less.” He lowers Sid’s hand to the bed then kisses his forehead once more before slipping out of the room. Sid hears the keys jingle as he takes them out of the bowl and the door close behind him and once again the apartment is plunged into silence.

He has to call work to let them know he won’t be in, but for right now he rolls over and faces Geno’s side of the bed. He grabs Geno’s pillow and pulls it to his chest then drops his face against it and takes a huge breath. It smells like him. Like the expensive shampoo Geno insists on buying even though Sid can’t tell the difference between that and the cheap stuff. He breathes in and out and tries to find the calm that he so desperately needs.

Geno said that everything would be okay.

Sid tries desperately to believe him.

-

By the end of March, the ground is just beginning to thaw.

The ice in the rivers has melted and the first hints of green are starting to pop up around the city.

Early spring is here and everything is coming alive again.

Inside the car on the way to Flower and Vero’s place, things are as frigid as ever.

“Don’t know why they ask us to dinner,” Geno says as he changes lanes. He doesn’t use his blinker and Sid has to close his eyes and take a deep breath to stop himself from saying something. It wouldn’t be worth it. Not before dinner with their friends.

“Tanger and Cath will be there, too. It’s not just us.”

“So is couples thing?”

“Guess so.”

“Anyone else going to be there?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t ask Flower?”

“You talk to Flower as much as I talk to Flower. Why didn’t you ask him?”

“No one talk to Flower as much as you talk to Flower,” Geno says under his breath and Sid closes his eyes and breathes again.

“I think it’ll just be the six of us. I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s nice to be out of the house.”

He didn’t mean it as a slight but it’s clear by the way Geno clenches his jaw that he takes it as one.

Things haven’t gotten any better between them and now instead of even pretending to acknowledge it, they’re ignoring it. Date night has fallen by the wayside. Geno works late more often than not. Sid never wants to talk about his day. They’re living separate lives in the same apartment.

“It’s a free meal,” Sid says trying to smooth things over. “Think of it like that.”

Geno drums his fingers against the wheel as he pulls up to a red light. “Flower make butter tarts for dessert?”

“I would bet on it.”

Geno hums as the promise of sweets lightens his mood.

It does end up being just the six of them.

Vero and Flower sit as opposite sides of the table while Cath sits across from Geno and Tanger sits across from Sid.

It’s small talk over baked ziti and salad and Flower jumping up each time Vero thinks she forgot something in the kitchen. “I’ll get it,” Flower yells when Vero says it’s time for dessert. “You sit back down.”

Vero lowers herself back onto the chair.

“Why he so weird?” Geno asks and Vero laughs, bright and bubbly.

“Oh, he’s just …” she sighs happily as she trails off and Sid does his best not to be envious of how she’s feeling. “Anyway, Geno, how is work? You always have fun stories.”

“Ah,” Geno says, cutting a sideways look to Sid. “Is good. Flamingos settle in nicely. Gorilla should have baby soon. Talk to vet today and she say she close.”

“We need to take Alex there to see it when it’s born. I think he’d love that,” Cath says and Tanger nods.

“It’s been a while since we’ve been.”

“Lots of stuff for kids. Should have lots of fun. Maybe get more kangaroos soon but won’t know until I get back from D.C.”

“When are you going to D.C.?” Sid asks.

“Next week,” Geno says slowly. “I tell you —”

“You never told me.”

“I tell you,” Geno says, shifting in his chair so he can look at Sid head on. Sid squares his shoulders and doesn’t look away from the fire in Geno’s eyes. “I tell you last week —”

“How could you have told me if you haven’t told me anything for weeks now? You don’t even talk to me anymore.”

Geno laughs, cold and humorless. “You talk to me about not talking? Really, Sid? You never talk.”

“This isn’t about me. This is about you not telling me that you were going away.”

“Is just D.C. Is just for a few days.”

“You don’t think I would want to know that?”

“Is hard to know what you think anymore.”

Sid opens his mouth to respond when Flower comes back into the dining room holding a tray of tarts.

“Who’s ready for dessert?” he asks and then stops short as he reads the room. Sid and Geno still facing each other, Cath and Tanger staring down at their place mats while Vero’s giddy expression is long gone. “Seriously, what happened?”

“I thought I told you,” Geno says quietly while Sid shifts around so his knees are back under the table.

“I think we all just need some sugar,” Vero says, trying to get the night back on track. Flower hands out the tarts, pausing to whisper something to Vero who shushes him and shoos him away.

The tarts are amazing. The filling is rich and the pastry is buttery, but their outburst has fully soured the evening and no one seems to know what to say or do.

Sid feels terrible about it as he takes another bite of the tart and Vero clears her throat.

“Okay, well,” she says, like that’s going to clear the awkwardness from the room before she really starts speaking. “I guess now is as good a time as any to say it.” She takes a deep breath and smiles across the table at Flower. “We’re pregnant. Well, I’m pregnant,” she clarifies as Cath pulls her in for a hug.

“But I was there!” Flower exclaims and Tanger punches him in the shoulder before yanking him into a bone-crushing hug.

“I’m really happy for you,” Sid tells Vero as she pokes her head over Cath’s shoulder.

“Thank you,” Vero says as she gives him a sympathetic look and squeezes his arm.

Down at the other end of the table Geno is laughing with Tanger and Flower like nothing’s wrong at all.

Back at the apartment Geno sets the leftover tarts Flower wrapped up for them on the counter and stretches his arms over his head.

“Tired,” he says around a yawn. “Going to take a shower.”

“Geno,” Sid says quietly.

“You want shower first?”

“Geno.”

“Maybe we shower together?” He winks. “Save water?”

“Geno,” Sid says again, loud enough this time to get his attention. “Just stop. Please.”

All at once the act falls away as Geno’s shoulders slump and his mouth presses into a thin line.

“Okay,” he says finally. “I stop.”

-

“It’ll only be for a couple of weeks, if that. I just need a place to crash until Geno finds a place to stay. He thinks he can find one pretty quickly after he gets back from D.C., but I won’t want to rush him, you know?”

“Absolutely,” Flower says. “You can stay with us for as long as you want. But you should know we took the bed out of the spare room so we can convert it to the nursery, so it you might be sleeping on an air mattress next to a crib.”

“That’s totally fine,” Sid says while Tanger sputters beside them.

“I’m sorry, what the fuck is happening here?” Tanger asks and Sid casts an apologetic glance toward the family sitting at the next table. Sid elected to do this in public to avoid an emotional outburst, but apparently Tanger doesn’t care. “That’s it?” Tanger continues. “You’re just done with him?”

“It was mutual,” Sid says calmly and Tanger laughs.

“Kris,” Flower says as a warning but Tanger ignores him.

“Geno loves you,” Tanger says. “He’s crazy about you. He would never, ever, want to end things with you.”

“You can’t act like this was out of the blue,” Flower tells him. “You saw them at dinner. Vero told me about it afterwards and --”

“It was one fight. It was a misunderstanding. You don’t end a relationship like that over one misunderstanding.”

“It wasn’t just that fight,” Sid says. “It wasn’t working anymore. It hadn’t been working for a while.”

“So then you work on it,” Tanger says, his voice full of sharp edges. “You don’t just give up. Fucking talk to somebody. Go to counseling. It’s 2019, everyone has a therapist now.”

Sid takes a deep breath. “We decided —”

“Stop saying we,” Tanger snaps and Flower jumps in.

“You don’t know what was going on,” he says. “You can’t judge how they handle things.”

“I can when I know it’s hurting my friend.”

“I’m hurting,” Sid says. “I’m your friend, too.”

“You’re the one who caused it.”

“It was mutual, I already told you.”

“And I’m telling you that’s bullshit. Whatever Geno told you to make you feel better about this is bullshit. He would never break up with you, but he would lie to you to make you feel better about breaking up with him. That’s how much he loves you.”

“Maybe that’s part of the problem.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“You know, if you think Geno is so great why don’t you date him?”

“God,” Tanger scoffs. “You are such an asshole.”

“Stop,” Flower says loudly enough to shut them both up and draw the attention from everyone else in the coffee shop. “It doesn’t matter who broke up with who. It’s not fair to either of them to stay in a relationship when one of them is miserable.”

“We weren’t miserable,” Sid defends and Tanger rolls his eyes. “We weren’t. We …” He stops and sighs. “I love him so much, but we weren’t happy together anymore, neither of us were. We had to end it before we started to hate each other. We still want to try and find a way to be friends after all this.”

“That never happens. You can’t switch it on and off like that. You’re not going to be friends and we’re going to have to pick a side,” Tanger says as he points to Flower and Sid laughs.

“Guess I know who you’re going to choose,” he says to Tanger and Flower taps his hand on the table.

“No one needs to choose. No one is the bad guy here. No one cheated, no one was abusive, right?”

“Right,” Sid says. They were never … “We were never like that. It never got like that.”

“Good, so there’s no reason why you two can’t be friends and why all of us can’t be friends,” he says as he looks at Tanger before looking back to Sid. “Just give it some time. Who knows, maybe at the end you two will realize how much you mean to each other.” Flower reaches over the table and squeezes Sid’s wrist. “It could all still work out.” Sid gives him a small smile in return. It’s a nice thought, but it’s a long shot.

-

Sid’s only been at Flower and Vero’s place for a little over a week when he gets a text from Geno.

 _Moved out,_ is all it says and Sid stares down at the screen until it fades to black.

“Are you okay, Sid?” Vero asks around a cup of ginger tea. It’s supposed to help with morning sickness but, judging by the pinched look on her face, it doesn’t seem to be working.

“Fine,” he says as Flower drops two slices of French toast made from day-old brioche onto his plate. “I can go home. I guess Geno found a place.”

Vero pulls a face and dumps the tea into the sink. “That was fast.”

Sid slides his phone out of the way and reaches for the syrup. “I guess he got lucky.”

“You know you don’t have to go back today,” Flower says. “We love having you here.”

“No, I should really go. You’ve already done more than enough for me. I’ll get my bag packed and head over to the apartment after work tonight.”

“Well,” Vero says as she shoots a worried look at Flower. “Don’t be a stranger. You can stop by anytime for dinner or breakfast or you know … just to hang out.”

“Hang out?”

“Yeah. In a few months I’m going to be so big I won’t want to go anywhere. I’ll need someone to hang out with while Marc is at the bakery. You know … someone to go get me stuff,” she finishes with a wince and Flower sighs.

“You think I’m going to be lonely.”

“No,” Flower says at the same time Vero says “yes.”

“There’s no point in lying to him,” she says as she puts her hand on Sid’s shoulder. “You’re going through something that’s really emotional right now and it’s been a while since you’ve lived on your own. We just want you to know that we’re here for you.”

“I know that,” Sid says, “and I appreciate it, but I think maybe being on my own is going to be good for me. I think I’ll learn to like the quiet.”

“Okay,” Vero says as she sits down beside him, sounding thoroughly unconvinced. “Promise you’ll call if you get lonely.”

Sid promises and leaves with his duffel bag over his shoulder and a standing dinner date once a week.

-

Sid’s not lonely. There’s too much on his mind for that.

It’s odd being on his own again. He went from living with his parents, to living with a roommate at college, to living with Geno.

He never really had time to find a place of his own. A place where he could stretch out and breathe without bumping into someone else.

Geno only left behind one thing when he moved out. His set of keys on the counter. Everything else is gone.

The sweatshirt that Sid always used to love to steal and the painting that Geno’s mother sent over from Russia as a housewarming present.

Sid wasn’t expecting to find either of those things when he walked in for the first time but the gaps that Geno left behind continue to catch him by surprise.

There’s only ever one set of keys in the bowl by the door and one coat on the hook now. Sid’s shoes sit by themselves on the mat and the coffee mug he uses in the morning is still sitting there on its own in the sink when he gets back from work.

He eats dinner alone and goes to bed alone and wakes up alone. Everything is still and quiet and he never really realized how big the bed was before, even though he still keeps to one side.

He’s not lonely but, as he stares up at the ceiling before he begins to fall asleep, he feels completely alone.

-

Two weeks after the break Sid gets a call from his mother.

“Why didn’t you tell me,” is the first thing Trina says when Sid picks up.

He pauses, still crouched down in front of the fridge looking for something to bring for lunch the next day, and decides to play dumb.

“What are you talking about?”

“Sidney,” she says and Sid knows that tone. He grew up with it. He’s not getting out of this. “How could you not tell me about Geno?”

Sid bites back a sigh and swings the door shut. “How did you find out?”

“Geno told me.” “Why were you calling Geno?”

“Am I not allowed to call the man who has been dating my son for over five years? Who has been like a second son to me? Who I thought would be my son-in-law? We’ve always talked more than you think. Now why didn’t _you_ tell me?”

“I don’t know,” Sid says quietly as he leans against the counter. “I guess I just didn’t want to talk about it.”

“I’m your mom, you can always talk to me.”

“That makes it even harder. I know how much you loved him. Love him,” he quickly corrects. Just like Flower and Tanger, he doesn’t expect his mother’s relationship with Geno to change although it probably will. “I knew you’d be disappointed.”

“I’m not disappointed,” she said gently and Sid felt tears sting in his eyes. He knows that tone, too. It’s the same one he heard when kids were being mean to him for being too good at hockey or when he failed a history test and got caught lying about it because he thought his parents would be angry. “I’m just confused. I thought you two were happy. When we saw you over Christmas you seemed so happy.”

“We weren’t, though,” Sid admits, “not really. We were pretending we were.”

“Oh, honey,” Trina says and Sid sniffles.

“How was he? How did he sound?”

There’s a prolonged silence and Sid knows his mother is trying to decide if she should lie to him or not. Which would hurt less, the truth or the lie.

Finally, she says, “He sounded like Geno. He was surprised you didn’t tell me. Have you spoken to him at all?”

“No.” The last thing he heard from Geno was the text he sent saying he moved out.

His mother is quiet again. “Okay. That’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it either but will you promise to call me if you ever feel like talking about it?”

“I promise,” Sid chokes out and Trina makes a sympathetic noise.

“Okay,” she says and then “I love you,” and “now, you’ll never believe what your father did the other day.”

Sid laughs along as he listens to the story about his father trying to open the swimming pool in the backyard for the season and he tries not to think about Geno, reliving the breakup for Sid’s mom, all because Sid was too afraid to.

-

By mid-May it’s warm enough to sit out on the patio that Vero and Flower drag him to.

Vero is showing just enough that when she really plays it up with one hand on her belly while she uses the other fan herself, a few good Samaritans let them cut the line so she can be seated faster.

“It’s an amazing trick,” Flower whispers as the hostess leads them through the restaurant. “I hope she milks it all the way to the delivery day.”

“I plan to,” Vero says over her shoulder before smiling at the hostess and ordering a water without any lemon.

Sid looks over the menu while they wait for their drinks to come and pretends he doesn’t notice the conspiratorial way Vero and Flower keep looking at each other. He doesn’t want to know.

“So, Sid,” Vero says, “have you thought about dating at all?”

Sid really, really didn’t want to know.

“No,” Sid says as he flips over the menu to look at the sandwiches. “Why? Is Geno dating?”

“Why would you think this is about him?” Vero asks and Sid rolls his eyes.

“Lying isn’t good for the baby, I read that somewhere.”

“We don’t know if he’s dating anyone,” Flower says, “but Tanger told me that Geno asked him for help with setting up a profile on Grindr.”

“Grindr? That’s worse than dating. That’s just a bunch of horny guys that’ll send him pictures of their dicks.”

“Well, maybe that’s what he wants.”

Sid feels sick to his stomach. He’s not ready for this.

“C’mon, Sid. You know how Geno is. He’s not the type that likes to be alone and it’s been two months.”

“We were together for six years.”

“And now you’re not. I know it’s hard but Geno’s starting to move on. That’s healthy. That’s good. I think maybe you should think about starting to do the same.”

“I don’t want to join Grindr,” he says quickly.

“You don’t have to,” Vero says back. “But if you want to meet someone we can help. You’re a catch, Sid. I have a long list of guys who would love to get to know you.”

Sid definitely doesn’t want to be alone forever, but the thought of Geno with someone else makes him burn. He doesn’t think he should start a relationship with that weighing on him so heavily.

“I don’t think so,” he tells them and they both frown. “I just don’t think I’m ready.”

“Okay,” Vero says with a definitive nod of her head. “That’s fine. Everyone moves at their own pace. We just wanted you to know that we’re here for you when you are ready.”

“Thank you,” Sid says then adds, “exactly how long is that list?”

Vero tips her head back and laughs.

-

“Just a reminder that you need to get this form filled out by your physician when you go in for your annual physical or else your rates for next year will go up, okay?” Lydia from HR waves a sheet of paper at the front of the conference room. “If you need another copy just email me and I’ll send it over to you.”

In the back of the conference room Sid sighs and checks his watch. He has some time-sensitive documents sitting on his desk that require his attention but the mid-quarter meeting to which the whole office has been called is apparently mandatory.

A quick look to his left confirms that Sandra is blocking his only exit so all he can do is wait and then work twice as hard when the meeting finally lets out.

He sighs again and drops more weight back onto the wall behind, him sliding down so the backs of his shoulders are flush against it.

The guy beside him shifts to make room and Sid quickly and quietly apologizes.

“It’s fine,” the guy says back. He’s young with bright red hair. Sid’s seen him around a few times on the third floor. Sid’s pretty sure he works in marketing and about fifty percent sure his name is Peter. “I’m sorry about the breakup.”

Sid’s attention is ripped away from Lydia, who is going on about their 401K program.

“What?” Sid whispers.

“The breakup. You and Geno. That’s rough, man. Geno is a cool dude.”

Sid turns on the wall so he’s falling facing Peter. “How did you know about that?”

“Pictures of you stopped showing up on his Instagram and then a few weeks ago he deleted all the old ones. I figured something must have happened.”

A few weeks go Tanger helped Geno set up his Grindr profile. He probably removed the photos at the same time, erasing his past before starting his future.

“How do you know Geno?”

“You brought him to the holiday party last year,” Peter explains and Sid nods. They were maybe at the party for twenty minutes before they left to go to Cath and Tanger’s party. It never took Geno long to make a good impression. “He was so funny,” Peter says. “He told us to follow him on Instagram. He always posts interesting stories from the zoo. My girlfriend loves that baby gorilla. Hey,” Peter says as he knocks his elbow gently into Sid. “Sorry, I wouldn’t have brought it up if I thought it was going to upset you.”

Sid shakes his head. “It’s fine. I just didn’t know you knew all that. I didn’t even know you knew my name.”

Peter squints at him and tips his head to the side. “Shawn?”

“It’s Sid.”

Peter shrugs. “I knew it was something like that. Anyways, I just wanted to say sorry. Breakups suck, man.”

He awkwardly pats Sid on the shoulder as Lydia wraps it up and people begin to file out of the room.

Sid’s the last one to leave.

-

Sid stops at the grocery store after work to pick up dinner.

With his basket full of chicken breast, spinach, jarred tomato sauce, and Parmesan cheese, he lingers in front of the alcohol.

It’s a debate about if he should get the six-pack of beer or the twelve and, after thirty seconds of shifting his weight from foot to foot, he grabs the case and heads for the register.

He’s on his second beer when he decides to pick up his phone and open Instagram.

He has an account, set up by Geno years ago, but he never uses it. He has a handful of followers and only follows a handful of people, so it’s easy to find Geno on the list.

Sid hovers over Geno’s username for a moment before quickly exiting out of the app. He doesn’t need to see what’s not there.

He drains the rest of the beer and, before he can talk himself out of it, he installs the Grindr app.

If Geno can do it then so can he.

His fingers feel a little numb, either with alcohol or nerves, but it’s easy enough to set up an account.

He hesitates when it comes to the profile picture. Finding one he likes will be difficult. He doesn’t really want to show his face but showing anything else is completely out of the question. After scrolling through the photos on his phone he finally settles on one.

Geno had taken it up by the lake near his parents house a few summers ago. It was probably a mistake, a too eager press of his finger against the screen before he took the actual shot, but Sid never deleted it. In the photo Sid’s not quite looking over his shoulder but his head is turned enough to make out his features. The water is in the background sparkling in the midday light and Sid’s lips are quirked up at the edges with just the start of a smile. He looks happy in a way he hasn’t been in a while.

Sid sets the photo as his profile picture and takes the last steps to create his account.

Almost instantly there are notifications from guys in his area.

Sid doesn’t do anything at first. It seems like a lot to tackle all in one night but if he puts it off there’s a very real chance that he’ll never do anything. The account will sit there just like his Instagram.

He leaves his phone on the table and grabs another beer out of the fridge and cracks it open. Then, he takes a sip, sits back down, and picks up his phone.

-

Andy seems like a nice enough guy.

He’s tall and athletic, if his shirtless profile pic is anything to go by, with blond hair and green eyes. He likes to talk, which is fine because Sid is perfectly content to listen. It’s awkward when he tries to talk.

It was never like that with Geno. They seemed to click right from the jump. They had inside jokes by their second date and silences never needed to be filled. They could just _be_ together.

With Andy he feels pressured to be funny or interesting. Like if he says the wrong thing Andy will get up and walk out on him. He never feared that kind of rejection from Geno.

At the end of their meal, however, it’s clear that all his worry is for nothing as Andy bumps his toes against Sid’s beneath the table.

Sid looks up from counting out the tip (Andy paid for the meal) and Andy smiles, his eyes bright in the low light of the restaurant.

“So,” Andy says, “your place or mine?”

Sid wants to go home.

Sid’s palms sweat as he opens the door to his apartment. Andy is right behind him with his hand on his lower back and the heat of it burns right through the button-down Sid is wearing.

He clears his throat and steps to the side to let Andy in. Andy lets his hand drag away, slowly, as he steps inside and looks around.

“Nice place,” he says as Sid drops the keys into the bowl.

“Yeah, I was lucky to find it,” Sid babbles. “The neighbors are really quiet and parking is free and —”

“Does it have a bedroom?”

Sid’s mouth snaps shut and he points down the hall.

“Cool,” Andy says as he starts to walk backwards down it. “Are you coming?”

Sid takes a deep breath and follows.

Contrary to what Geno always used to like to believe, Sid was not a virgin when they met.

Before Geno caught his eye across the crowded bar a month after graduation, Sid had already had sex with four different guys.

It’s been a while since he’s had a strangers hands on him but Sid knows what he’s doing. He knows how to move and react and arch into the touch as Andy pins him to the bed and kisses his neck.

Andy is warm and solid and when Sid gets his hands beneath his shirt the abs in Andy’s profile pic are confirmed.

Andy straightens up and pulls his shirt off and tosses it toward the headboard.

“You can touch,” Andy says as when he catches Sid staring. “As long as I get to touch, too.”

Sid nods and Sid pushes himself up so Andy can unbutton his shirt and pull it and the thin white undershirt off.

“Hot,” Andy says as he runs his hands over Sid’s ribs and ducks down to kiss him. “So fucking hot.”

Sid just barely stops himself from saying something completely unredeemable like _“thank you”_ and threads his fingers through Andy’s hair so he can pull him closer.

He can do this. He can take a stranger home and forget the world for a while. He can go out there and find someone new. He can get to know them and then date them and then fall in love. There’s a light at the end of this incredibly bleak tunnel.

“Fuck,” Andy gasps as he grinds down and Sid’s eyes flutter shut. “You have condoms, right?”

Sid’s eyes open and his hand slides free of Andy’s hair as Andy sits up. “Umm.”

“You don’t have condoms?”

“I was with my ex for a really long time,” Sid explains. “We stopped using them. You don’t have one?”

“I used the one I keep in my wallet a few nights ago. I didn’t replace it.”

That settles that.

“Okay,” Sid says as he pats at Andy’s thighs until Andy crawls off him. “I think that’s it then.”

“Well now, hang on,” Andy says with a hand on Sid’s shoulder. “There’s gotta be a pharmacy or gas station or something open right now. I can be back in five minutes.”

“I don’t think so.”

“We can still get each other off,” Andy says, trying from another angle. “I know hand jobs are a little high school but I can still make it good.”

Sid huffs a laugh and shakes his head as reaches up the bed for Andy’s shirt. “I think I’m calling it.”

Andy takes his shirt and stands up as he pulls it back on. “Ex-boyfriend, huh,” he asks as he buttons up his jeans and looks around the floor for his shoes. “How long has it been?”

“About three and a half months.”

Andy whistles. “Not exactly recent. He cheat?”

“No.”

“You cheat? Wait, no, of course you didn’t cheat. You didn’t even buy condoms.”

“It just didn’t work out.”

“And was this your first time —”

“Yup,” Sid interrupts and Andy nods as he steps into his left shoe and then his right.

“Well, next time you want to try to have rebound sex, make sure you get condoms.”

“Thanks,” Sid says sarcastically. “I’ll be sure to do that.”

“And call me if you feel like it. I think we could have fun. You’re too hot to look so sad all the time, damn.” He presses a quick kiss to Sid’s lips then says, “I’ll lock the door behind me.”

Sid double checks the lock then takes a long, hot shower to wash the night off him.

-

“You had a date last week, didn’t you? How’d that go? Fuck.” Flower swears as the golf ball he just hit sways dramatically to the left. “That was the wind.”

“That was you being shitty at golf.”

“Hey, I didn’t ask to be out here.”

The golf had been Vero’s idea. Kind of.

She mainly just wanted Flower out of the house because third-trimester Vero was being driven insane by her husband’s constant hovering.

“If he asks me if my feet hurt once more I swear to god,” she had hissed at Sid over the phone. “My ankles are the size of watermelons, of course they hurt. He’s sweet but stupid and I need a break. Take him please.”

In the background he could hear Flower ask if she wanted to put her feet up and Sid hung up and immediately starting looking for open tee times.

“You have to anticipate the wind,” Sid says as he drops the ball onto the tee. “It’s not that hard once you get the hang of it.”

“Anticipate these nuts,” Flower says as he pokes the end of his club into Sid’s ribs right as he’s about to swing. “Don’t change the subject. How was your date?”

“It was really, really bad,” Sid says quickly. “And I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Talking about it will make you feel better.”

“I really don’t think.” Sid readjusts his stance and swings. The ball sails smoothly out onto the green and Sid hits Flower with a shit-eating green. “See. Don’t blame the wind.”

Flower meets him with a raised eyebrows and Sid sighs.

“We had dinner then went back to my place and started to, you know, and then I realized I never bought condoms and that was that. He went home.”

“That doesn’t sound bad, Sid. That just sounds like poor planning. Buy some condoms. You’ll be ready for your next date.”

“I’m not having another date. I deleted the app.”

Flower groans.

“I don’t know how Geno does it,” Sid says as they start to walk to the next hole. “Sex with random people. Honestly, even if I had condoms I don’t think I could have gone all the way with it. Geno’s still … I don’t know. There. I looked at his profile,” Sid admits and Flower hits his arm.

“You looked him up? Sidney.”

“I didn’t. I just came across him. On accident.”

“Bullshit,” Flower says. “How many guys did you have to swipe through before you found him? How long did it take?”

“What does it matter? Do you know what his profile is? Big heart, big hands, bigger and then the eggplant emoji. What the hell is that?”

Flower laughs. “You should steal it but use the peach emoji instead.”

“What kind of guys is he trying to attract with that,” Sid asks. “What is he thinking?”

“Hey, Sid, you don’t get to do that anymore. You don’t get to judge what Geno does or who he does it with. That’s not your business anymore.”

“I know that,” Sid snaps. He hates being told the obvious. “Have you spoken to him at all?”

Flower gives him a long look.

“I’m just wondering how he is. If he’s seeing anyone.” Sid shrugs like it’s no big deal.

“I’m not going to be your go between,” Flower tells him. “If you want to know how he is then you call him for yourself. You’re supposed to be friends at some point, right?”

“Yeah, but not right now.”

“Well, until you’re emotionally ready to hear the truth for both those questions, you’re just gonna have to be in the dark a little bit longer.” He looks out over the course and blows out a breath. “I gotta find my ball.”

“Ha,” Sid laughs and Flower flips him off.

-

On Friday night, Sid gets stupid.

There are still nine beers in the fridge and he decides it’s a good idea to make a serious dent.

The weather is beginning to turn hot and muggy even after the sun goes down, so the first beer is cool and refreshing and much needed after a long day at work.

By the second one he’s out of his dress shirt and barefoot looking through the fridge for something that sounds good and takes next to no effort to prepare. When he doesn’t find anything he moves on to the freezer. He knows there’s a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in there he’d have no problem finishing off.

That’s when he finds the vodka.

Tucked all the way in the back behind a bag of frozen peas, it’s the one thing that Geno forgot to take with him.

Sid was never a fan of vodka, getting too tipsy too quickly each time he drank it, but Geno always liked to show off his tough, Russian tolerance for it while Sid pulled faces.

The bottle is frosted over and the heat of his hand melts his fingertips onto the glass. He closes the door to the freezer, forgets about the ice cream, and twists open the cap.

He blames the liquor and the empty stomach and the general stressed out state of his life as of late for thinking that it would be a good idea to cut the vodka with beer.

Forty minutes, several shots of vodka, and a beer and a half later he’s face down on the couch while an old episode of _Say Yes to the Dress_ plays on TV.

He groans as the bride’s soon-to-be mother-in-law vetoes another dress and reaches around on the floor for the vodka. He knocks into the bottle with his hand and it tips over and rolls out of his reach. He rolls his eyes, blinks to get rid of the double vision and grabs the beer that he left on the coffee table.

 _“I’m just telling her how I feel,”_ the soon-to-be mother-in-law says into the camera. _“I think it’s important to be honest with each other. She asked me my opinion and I gave it. If I asked her a question I would certainly want the truth. I can handle it.”_

Sid raises the near-empty beer can toward the television screen and pulls his phone out of his back pocket.

If bitchy soon-to-be mother-in-law can handle the truth then so can he.

When Geno picks up after the fourth ring and says “hello?” his voice is deep and sleepy and all the drunken confidence ekes out of Sid.

He sits up on the couch, much too quickly, and his vision swims as his stomach rolls.

“Hello,” Geno asks again, “anyone there?”

“It’s me,” Sid finally says. “Didn’t you see my name?”

“Sid?” Geno asks after a moment and Sid nods, forgetting that he can’t see it.

“Yeah. Who else would be calling you from my phone?”

“Didn’t know it was your phone.”

“But you should have seen my name on the screen.”

“Didn’t come up, Sid.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Sid tells him and then he stops and tries to clear his head so he can make sense of it all. “Did you delete my number?”

Geno doesn’t say anything and Sid spreads his knees a little and leans down between them to take a deep breath. It does nothing to help.

“Why’d you call me, Sid?” Geno asks quietly, but Sid still winces as his voice rings in his ears.

He doesn’t know why he called. He doesn’t remember. All he knows is that Geno deleted his number and his photos off Instagram and has a devastatingly good profile on Grindr. “Sid,” Geno prods and Sid raises his head and looks at the TV.

The bride is in yet another dress. Mermaid cut, he thinks. He hates it.

“I was just thinking,” he starts, too fast and too loud as he drums up a memory. “Do you remember Tanger and Cath’s wedding? You know, how drunk we got, which really isn’t our fault because it was an open bar and the appetizers they picked were so tiny. Anyways, we got so drunk and Cath got so mad and Tanger thought it was funny but he had to act like he was mad because Cath was mad and she had every reason to be mad because we were acting like idiots —”

“Sid,” Geno interrupts. “Why you call?”

“Do you remember going back to the hotel room?” Sid asks, his voice dipping low and Geno clears his throat on the other end of the line. “The whole way up in the elevator we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. You almost blew me against the door of the room, which would have been fine but we were still in the hallway. You didn’t even want to wait for me to get the keycard in the lock. Do you remember how fast I came when we finally got inside? I blamed it on the alcohol, which doesn’t even fucking make sense, but we both knew it was just you. No one else is ever going to make me feel like that. No one else is ever going to love me like that.” He stops and takes a deep breath. He thinks maybe he could throw up. “Fuck,” he says as he drops his head into his hand. “I’m sorry. Fuck. I shouldn’t have drank so much. You know you left vodka here?”

“You real drunk?” Geno asks and Sid nods again.

“Can you come here?” he asks. “Can you just come here, because the bed is so far away and there’s no way I’m going to make it. Also I don’t remember where the bathroom is and I’m definitely going to throw up sometime soon. Can you just please come help me?” “Have to call Flower.”

“I can’t,” Sid whines. “He and Vero are at some weird birthing class or whatever.”

“Tanger, then.”

“Tanger fucking hates me. I haven’t spoken to him since we broke up. He thinks it’s my fault. He thinks it was my idea to break up and that I hurt you on purpose. I would never, Geno. I swear.”

“Has to be someone else —”

“I called you,” Sid says. “I want you.”

He hears Geno take a few, long, measured breaths. “Sid, going to hang up. Be there soon, okay?”

“Yes,” Sid says as relief washes over him. “I’m going to leave the door unlocked because you don’t have a key anymore. I’m going to see if I can find the toilet.”

Geno makes a distressed sound before he hangs up and Sid tosses his phone on the couch and stands up on wobbly legs.

Sid is hugging the porcelain when he hears the apartment door open.

“You shouldn’t leave your door unlocked,” a voice calls that is definitely not Russian. “I know you think you live in a nice neighborhood, but seriously, anyone could have just walked in and stole your shit. Judging by what Geno told me you wouldn’t be able to stop them. Oh, shit.”

Sid raises his head and sees Tanger standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

“Oh, buddy,” Tanger says softly and Sid curls in on himself, wedging himself further between the toilet and the tub.

“You’re not Geno. I called Geno.”

“And he called me,” Tanger says as he turns on the water in the sink and runs a face cloth beneath it. “And then he yelled at me and told me to come over here. He can be really scary when he yells.” He wrinkles his nose as he kneels down so he can drape the cool cloth over the back of Sid’s neck but Sid jerks away.

“Why are you here?” Sid asks and Tanger sighs.

“I told you, Geno called.”

“Why did you come, though? You could have just not shown up since you hate me so much.”

“I don’t hate you,” Tanger says quietly and Sid laughs.

“Yeah, right. You hate me. You think I’m an asshole who broke Geno’s heart for no reason. You think I enjoyed doing it. I know you set up his Grindr account for him and wrote his profile. You probably told him to delete my number and my pictures off his Instagram. How much do you have to hate me to get involved like that?”

“I don’t hate you,” Tanger says, this time with more force. “I was upset. I loved you and Geno together, you know? I loved how it was the six of us all paired off. I was used to that and then this huge thing happened.” He shake his head. “That’s what Geno yelled at me about. He said it was a decision both of you decided on and I shouldn’t hold it against you, personally. But you know, with a lot more swearing. Like a lot.”

Sid snorts.

“He slipped into Russian for a little bit. I’m pretty sure he cursed my whole family.”

“Geno would never do that to Cath and Alex. He probably only cursed you and made it so Cath would find someone more handsome to marry.”

“Good luck with that. Who’s more handsome than me?” He flicks his hair back and Sid laughs and leans forward to rest his head against his arms. Tanger lays the damp cloth against the back of his neck.

“Why did you do the Grindr thing?” Sid asks.

“He looked so sad all the time,” Tanger tells him. “I wanted to cheer him up, make him laugh.”

“Did he?”

“At what I wrote on his profile? Yeah, it was fucking hilarious.”

“It wasn’t that good.”

“I could make one for you if you want.”

Sid groans and presses his forehead against his arms before turning his face to look at Tanger. “Is he happy?” he asks and Tanger presses his lips into a thin line. “You can tell me. Please.”

“He’s getting by.”

“Is he seeing anyone?”

Tanger hesitates and Sid unfolds one of his legs and presses his foot against Tanger’s thigh. “Tell me.”

“He’s been on dates,” Tanger says. “I don’t think any of them have stuck. Are you seeing anyone?”

Sid groans. “I went on one date but nothing happened because I didn’t have condoms and you know,” he gestures to himself, “I’m a huge fucking mess.”

Tanger laughs and stands up. “You’re gonna be all right,” he says as he holds his hand out for Sid. “I promise.”

With Tanger’s help, Sid gets himself to his feet. He brushes his teeth and washes his face and changes out of his sweat-soaked shirt into a clean one.

“I’m not kissing your forehead like I’m your mom,” Tanger says as Sid slips into bed. He sets down a bottle of water and a bottle of Gatorade on the nightstand and hands Sid two white pills.

“You would if I asked you to,” Sid says as he pops the pills then takes a swig of Gatorade to wash them down.

“You’re pushing it,” Tanger says but he does help Sid pull up the covers. “Sleep on your side, you know, in case you throw up more.”

“There’s nothing left to throw up,” Sid says pitifully as he caps the Gatorade and puts it back on the table.

“Still. I’d rather not be the last person to see you alive. You need anything else before I head out?”

Sid shook his head then stopped. “Does he ask about me? No, forget it. I’m not ready to know that.”

Tanger takes a deep breath. “Think of it this way, if he didn’t still care about you he wouldn’t have asked me to come over here. He would have just let you sleep beside the toilet bowl all night.”

“That makes me feel worse, I think.”

Tanger shrugs.

“Can you just tell him ...” Sid starts and then trails off. “Just tell him … I don’t know. Tell him whatever.”

“I’ll tell him you’re okay,” Tanger says as he knocks his fist against Sid’s shoulder. “All right?”

Sid nods. He could be okay.

-

Vero goes into labor around noon on a Tuesday at the end of August. When Flower calls Sid at work after they get checked into the hospital, he already sounds exhausted.

“I can come right now,” Sid says. He’s more than a little desperate to get out of the office. Even standing here in the blazing sun on the top level of the parking garage was a welcome break.

“No, no,” Flower tells him. “The doctor said it’s going to be a while. It’s possible she won’t even have it yet, that it won’t even happen today. You have plenty of time.”

“Do you want me to bring anything? Did you forget anything?” Flower hums, sounding distracted. “No, I don’t think. Tanger said he was bringing cigars but I don’t think that’s true and Geno said he was bringing milkshakes, which might actually be true.”

“Geno,” Sid says slowly and he can practically hear Flower roll his eyes.

“Don’t, Sid. I’m having a baby. I can’t handle a freak out.”

“I’m not going to freak out. It’s been five months, we’re both adults and there’s a baby to think about. We’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, sure,” Flower says.

“Don’t worry about this,” Sid reassures him. “You’re going to be a dad.”

“I know,” Flower says with a smile in his voice. “Oh fuck, I’m gonna be a dad.”

“You’re gonna do great,” Sid tells him. “Vero is going to do great and the baby is going to be great and I’ll see you when I get off work, okay?”

“Yeah, all right.” He blows out a huge breath. “I’m gonna be a dad.”

At the end of the day Sid fights against traffic and, after stopping to pick up a bouquet of flowers, arrives at the hospital a little after five.

Cath and Tanger are already there in the waiting room when he steps off the elevator.

Tanger is stretched out across three chairs and Cath is sitting up by his head, showing him something on her phone.

“No baby yet,” Tanger says, craning his neck to look at the screen even as Cath stands to hug Sid.

“Any word? Is she getting close?”

“Close means nothing until she actually has the baby,” Cath says. “But she’s doing well. She’s in there with the doctors but you should be able to see her when they come out.”

“Is baby here yet?” a familiar voice calls from behind and Tanger drops his head onto the chair dramatically.

“No. No baby. You don’t think someone would have texted you if she had the baby already?”

“Why so cranky?” Geno asks as he stops beside them. He’s holding a tray of milkshakes and a teddy bear tucked under one arm. “Be nice or I won’t give you treat.”

Tanger immediately sits up and holds out his hands. “I’ll be good,” he says and Geno rolls his eyes and hands him a pink shake.

“Raspberry truffle. Be nice to me.”

Tanger takes a sip and nods as Geno smiles at Cath and hands her a cup.

“Birthday cake,” Geno says and then he turns to Sid and looks at him full on.

Geno looks exactly the same yet completely different. His hair is longer and his skin is tan from walking around outside at the zoo all summer but he has the same perpetually chapped lips and warm brown eyes. Sid thought that he was doing better lately but, given the way his heart is beating double time in his chest, he’s not.

“Peanut butter brownie,” Geno says as he holds out a shake to him. “You still like, yes?”

“Yeah,” Sid says as he takes the shake, their fingers touching briefly. “That’s my favorite.”

“I remember,” Geno says and gives Sid a soft smile before looking at Cath and Tanger, who are very pointedly not looking at the two of them. “Have shake for Flower, too, but will have to drink out here so Vero doesn’t find out. Feel bad she can’t have one.”

“You did bring milkshakes,” Flower says as the double doors swing open and he walks into the waiting room. “You’re my new favorite.”

“Can we go see her?” Geno asks and Flower gestures for them to put the down the milkshakes and follow.

Vero’s hair is in a messy bun piled high on her head and she smiles at them when they walk in.

“You guys both came,” she says as they step into the room.

“Look good,” Geno says. “Excited?”

“How do you feel?” Sid asks.

“Once the drugs kicked in I started feeling a lot better.” She holds her arms out and they both take turns kissing her cheek.

When Geno leans back she stares up at him. “You smell like milkshakes,” she says and Geno quickly shakes his head. She points a finger at Sid. “You both do. Do you have actual food out there?”

“Don’t know what you mean,” Geno lies, or at least tries to.

“They’re only letting me have clear liquids,” Vero says. “I’m miserable and you come in here smelling like milkshakes?”

“How can you smell them?” Sid asks and Flower gives him a wild look.

“Don’t question her,” he says and then begins to usher them to the door. “I think maybe you guys should wait outside for a while. Hide my shake, it never happened.”

“But bear,” Geno says as he holds out the stuffed animal.

“And my flowers,” Sid adds and Flower takes them both.

“Thank you for your gifts,” Vero says but her arms are crossed over her chest and she’s not looking at either of them. “I’ll appreciate them as I’m in here with my ice chips.

“I’ll come get you if something happens,” Flower frantically whispers as he herds them out. “Thanks for stopping in.”

“Wow,” Sid says as they step out into the hall and Geno nods.

“Pregnancy is crazy.”

“For sure,” Sid agrees and they share a tight, awkward smile before heading back to find Cath and Tanger.

From there, it’s a lot of sitting around and waiting.

Tanger gets antsy and talks Geno into taking a lap around the maternity wing with him while Cath catches Sid up on what’s been going with Alex.

Sid notices fairly early in the evening that there’s always a buffer between him and Geno.

Tanger or Cath or an empty seat. They’re never beside each other or even looking at each other and they haven’t spoken since they were evicted from Vero’s room.

Sid’s just starting to think that maybe they can make it through this until Cath and Tanger start to collect their things to go.

“You’re leaving?” Sid asks and Geno looks up sharply from the magazine he’s been reading.

“We only had the babysitter for so long after Alex got home from school,” Tanger says. “We have to get back. I don’t know how long you’re going to be staying but keep us updated.”

“We’ll be back in the morning after we get Alex on the bus,” Cath adds then wishes them both a good night before leaving the two of them alone in the waiting room.

“Are you going?” Sid asks over the two open seats between them and Geno shakes his head.

“Don’t have work tomorrow so can stay. You?”

It’s getting late but Sid can do his job in his sleep. “I can stay for a bit.”

Geno nods and looks back to his magazine. His posture looks relaxed but Sid can tell by how his knee is bouncing that he’s nervous. Inside, Sid doesn’t feel any better.

Sid lets the silence hang heavy between them for a while, hoping that maybe it’ll dissipate on its own. When it doesn’t, he sighs.

“So how is the zoo?” he asks and Geno looks up, knee still bouncing.

“Zoo is good. Lots of babies born in spring, so is fun watching them grow over summer. Happy it will be cool soon.”

Sid’s eyebrows shoot up. “You? You hate the cold?”

“Thinking of animals,” Geno says with a smile as he gets up and takes the seat beside Sid. Their elbows touch on the armrest. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Sid answers. “Work is —”

“Not work,” Geno says. “How are you?”

Sid blinks at him, unsure of what Geno wants. “I’m good,” he says slowly. “Family is good. You should call them sometime. I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.”

Geno looks away, guilty. “Talk to mama sometimes.”

“Do you?” His mother hadn’t mentioned that. But he wouldn’t expect her to. “About what?”

“She like Russian food now,” Geno says proudly. “Ask me questions about recipes. I tell her should just call my mama but she says I answer questions okay enough.” He shrugs. “You like birthday present from Taylor?”

Taylor had gotten him one of those fancy French press coffee makers, something he never would have gotten for himself while his old coffee maker was still working perfectly.

“I tell her you want. She call me months ago because you worst at telling people what you want for birthday. I remember you say you want so I tell her. Was saving to buy you myself but then … you know. Glad you still get.”

“Thank you,” Sid tells him but he feels like there should be more to say, like an apology. If not for the breakup then for drunkenly calling him and expecting him to just drop everything and show up at his door. He is not Geno’s problem anymore and he should apologize for thinking otherwise.

But Geno just smiles gently at him and turns back to his magazine and the silence stretches out again.

It’s a few minutes after midnight when Flower comes rushing out.

Sid’s on the second package of Reese’s he got from the vending machine and Geno’s sipping on the last of the good coffee from the nurses’ station.

Flower is in scrubs with a huge, delighted smile on his face.

“Baby!” He yells as he raises his arms in triumph. “There’s a baby! Come on! Come look at my baby!”

He runs back through the doors and Sid and Geno stare at each.

“Think maybe there’s baby,” Geno says and Sid laughs and gets up.

All wrapped up in pink, Estelle is the smallest thing Sid has ever seen.

Vero looks tired but so in love as she holds the tiny bundle with Flower sitting on the bed beside her.

Sid’s flowers and Geno’s bear are on the small table next to the bed.

“I can’t believe you guys stayed,” Vero whispers. “Thank you.”

“Was worth the wait,” Geno says as he carefully leans in to take a peek. “She’s beautiful.”

“Do you want to hold her?”

“Oh,” Geno says, "I don’t —”

But Flower is already lifting Estelle out of Vero’s arms and advancing toward Geno so he has to sit down in one of the square armchairs along the wall.

“Support her head,” Flower says as he lowers Estelle into his arms. “Don’t look so scared. You’ve held baby animals at the zoo, right? It’s just like that.”

“Is very, very, different,” Geno says as he settles her against his chest. Once he looks somewhat relaxed he coos “hello sweetheart,” and Sid’s heart tightens in his chest.

They could have had this. If things were different and they had stayed together and worked it out, a few years down the line Geno could be holding their own baby. They could be creating a family together. Moving into a house in the suburbs with a big yard with a dog and maybe a cat. They could have more kids and tiny hockey gear hanging in the front hall and finger paintings stuck to the fridge.

They could have a whole, wonderful life together.

“Hey,” Flower says, breaking Sid from his thoughts, “don’t worry, you’ll have your turn.”

“No,” Sid says, embarrassed when he sounds choked up. “It’s not that. I'm just really happy for you guys.”

“There’s something we wanted to talk to the both of you about,” Vero says as Flower sits back down beside her. “We were wondering if the two of you would like to be godparents.”

“Both of us?” Geno asks shooting a wary look at Sid.

“We were going to ask before …”

“We broke up,” Sid says. “You can say it.”

“Before you broke up,” Vero says, “and we weren’t sure.”

“But you both mean a lot to us,” Flower adds, “and it wouldn’t be fair to overlook the two of you just because you aren’t together anymore. So what do you say?”

“I say, yes,” Geno says immediately. “Sid?”

“Yeah,” Sid says, “of course. I thought you would have asked Tanger and Cath.”

“They said they’ll wait for the next baby,” Flower says.

“And I told them one baby at a time,” Vero adds. “Geno, stop hogging my daughter. Let Sid hold her.”

Geno stands up, slowly, clutching Estelle tighter to his chest as he does. Their fingers overlap across her back as he hands her off to Sid.

Eventually, a nurse comes in and tells them that Vero needs to rest, which is Sid and Geno’s cue to leave.

“I’ll give the three of you some time to settle down before I come visit,” Sid tells Vero while Geno has Flower wrapped up in a hug.

“Don’t be a stranger,” she says. “I’m sure we’re going to need babysitters.”

“Is what godparents are for,” Geno says happily. “Can call anytime.”

“I’ll remember that,” Vero says and Flower sees them out.

It’s a comfortable silence as Sid and Geno walk down the halls and out of the hospital to the garage.

“I’m on the fifth level,” Sid says as Geno’s finger hovers over the buttons in the elevator.

“Seventh,” Geno says as he presses both the numbers. “You okay to drive?”

“I’m okay,” Sid tells him. “I don’t have that far to go. What about you? I don’t even know where you are now.”

“Found place in Glen Hazel. Is nice. Little kid next door likes to talk about animals.”

“Good,” Sid says, “I’m glad.”

Geno hums. “Baby is cute.”

“Beautiful,” Sid agrees. “I’m really happy for them.”

“Going to be great parents.”

“For sure,” Sid sighs as he watches the numbers click up.

In the confined space the ensuing silence bounces back at them and makes Sid’s ears ring over the soft grinding of the elevator gears. When the elevator doors finally open Sid breathes a sigh of relief as he steps out into the muggy parking garage.

Before the doors slide shut he turns and puts his hand and foot in the way, stopping them and Geno looks up with brows raised.

 _Say something_ , Sid thinks as the moment lingers. _Anything._

_I’ve missed you._

_I think we made a mistake._

_I want what Flower and Vero have and I want it with you._

“Sid,” Geno prompts, taking a step forward and Sid shakes his head.

“Just drive careful, okay? It’s late.”

Geno nods. “Drive careful,” he echos back at Sid. No _text me when you get there_ or _call me when you’re safe_.

“I will,” Sid tells him. “Goodnight.”

Geno nods and steps back. The elevator doors close and Sid turns around to find his car.

-

By mid-October, the temperatures have dipped into the low fifties but Sid still feels sweat beginning to gather around his hairline and down his back as he books it from the parking lot to the church, dried leaves crunching beneath his feet as he goes.

He’s running late for Estelle’s christening and it’s all Geno’s fault.

This will be the first time since the hospital that they’ll be seeing each other and Sid decided that he absolutely has to look his best. That meant changing; shirt, shoes, pants, jacket, _everything_ , multiple times, and fooling with his hair until he got it just right then fooling with it more until he hated it and then back again several times.

Right now, as he runs up the front steps of the church, he likes his hair but hates his outfit and is only just barely beginning to accept that that’s the way it’s going to be.

He nods to the man who’s holding the door and steps into the church, taking a few deep and calming breaths before he steps out of the entryway.

The services hasn’t started yet, thank god, but the pews are already packed with friends and coworkers and family. Sid recognizes a handful of people as he walks down the center aisle looking for an open seat. He thinks maybe he’s going to have to stand in the back when he spots Tanger waving at him from the front row.

“Cutting it a little close,” Tanger whispers as he moves Cath’s purse off the pew and hands it back to her.

Sid nods and waves to Cath and Geno, who is sitting on her other side.

“Traffic,” Sid whispers back to Tanger but doesn’t take his eyes off Geno, who looks amazing in a dark grey suit with his hair combed back.

Geno catches Sid staring and smiles. “Sid, want you to meet Damien.” Geno leans back so Sid can see the man sitting beside him. He has curly brown hair and thick, black-rimmed glasses and his face looks a little full with a soft jawline beneath a well-trimmed beard. “Damien is my boyfriend,” Geno says and Sid’s ears ring. “Damien, this is Sid.”

Damien raises an eyebrow and his eyes go a little wide. This is the first time Sid’s ever heard Damien’s name but it’s clear this isn’t the first time Damien is hearing of him.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Damien says with a little wave and Sid is frozen in place until Tanger jabs him in the ribs with his elbow.

“Nice to meet you,” Sid says back and hopes the words down sound as hollow as they feel.

Damien smiles and leans back and Sid does the same, staring straight ahead at the candles set up at the front of the church.

“You gonna make it, buddy?” Tanger whispers in his ear and Sid nods.

“I’m fine,” Sid says. He makes the mistake of glancing back over at Geno and sees Damien’s hand resting on Geno’s knee. “I’m fine.”

Sid’s on autopilot during the ceremony.

He stands at the front of the church with Flower and Vero and Geno and he lights the candles and says the prayers and makes sympathetic noises when Estelle starts to cry when the water touches her forehead.

When they finally return to their seats Sid can’t stop himself from watching the way Damien’s eyes light up when he looks at Geno or how he mouths _good job_ before linking their fingers together when Geno sits back down next to him.

After the service there’s a reception at one of the more laid back restaurants in town for close friends and family.

There’s an open spot at the table with Damien and Geno but Sid stays standing, making laps around the room.

“Dude,” Tanger says as he slides up beside Sid. Across the banquet hall Geno and Damien are cooing at Estelle in Vero’s arms. “Shake it off, man. Get it together.”

“I’m fine,” Sid lies. “I’m just surprised is all. I didn’t know.” He cuts a sharp look to Tanger. “Did you know?”

“I didn’t know he was bringing him,” Tanger says and Sid gets an index finger pointed into his chest. “But don’t you dare be mad at me for knowing he existed. That’s not fair.”

“I’m not mad at you. I’m not mad. I told you, I’m just surprised.”

“I guess that’s understandable,” Tanger says. “But you had to know that this was coming at some point, right, and Damien seems like a really good guy.”

“I’m sure he is.”

“You want to maybe get to know him?”

Sid shoots Tanger a tragic look and Tanger laughs.

“Yeah, okay, all right. Do you want to maybe come sit down instead of skirting around the edge of the room like you’re crashing the party?”

“Do I look weird?” Sid asks and Tanger throws an arm around his shoulders.

“You look a little suspicious. Now come on, let's get you another slice of cake.”

The cake is good but the champagne is better and by his second slice and third glass Sid is feeling good enough to sit down across from Damien and Geno without feeling like his soul is shattering.

“So how did you guys meet?” Sid finds himself asking during a natural lull in the conversation and Geno narrows his eyes like there’s more to the question.

“We met at work,” Damien says and Sid frowns.

“At the zoo? Are you his boss?” he asks Geno and Tanger kicks his shin beneath the table. “What? I’m just asking.”

“I work at the gift shop,” Damien says and Sid’s not sure why he finds it funny — maybe the champagne — but he laughs anyway.

“That’s cute,” Sid tells him and Geno stands abruptly, his chair scraping across the floor.

“Get up,” he says as he stares Sid down. “We talk outside right now.”

Sid is slow to stand but that changes when Geno grabs him by the arm and hauls him to his feet. Geno doesn’t let go as he leads him through the party and out one of the side doors and into the alley beside the restaurant.

“You have problem,” Geno fumes, “you talk to me, not make fun of him.”

“I wasn’t making fun of him,” Sid defends. “I was just surprised that he works in the gift shop.”

“When you become such a snob? Why you care where he works?”

“I don’t care. I don’t care at all about where he works. I just … what did you tell him about me?”

Geno blinks at him. “What?”

“I saw the way he looked at me, like you told him I was a monster or something. Did you tell him every bad thing that I’ve ever done? I’m the asshole ex you tell stories about now.”

“I tell him about you,” Geno says. “I tell him we break up and why. Think it’s good to start relationship with honesty and communication. Good we talk. Not expect you to know anything about that.”

“Oh, that’s great,” Sid says as he rolls his eyes, “I’m glad Damien from the gift shop is so perfect. I’m glad you found someone to move on with so quickly.”

“Is not quick,” Geno explodes and Sid flinches back. “Is not quick at all! I spend months and months hurting, Sid. Hurt so much I think maybe I always feel like that, always be broken but then I find someone, finally, and you mad about it? You want me to be miserable like you?”

“No, of course not,” Sid says then quickly adds, “and I’m not miserable. What are you talking about?”

“You know you are. You still have shitty job? You still hate where you are? You do anything to fix it? You break up with me, you any happier now?”

“Neither one of us was happy in our relationship.”

“But are you happy without or are you in same old spot? You mad because I start to move on when you want me to be as lonely as you. You want me to break up with Damien? Quit my job? You want me to be huge failure just like you?”

“You think I’m a failure?” Sid asks and Geno’s whole demeanor shifts toward apologetic.

“Sid —”

Behind them the door swings open and Flower steps out holding a flute of champagne.

“Hey!” He yells. “I’m glad you guys are talking or whatever the fuck this is but could you please do it somewhere else? Everyone can hear you inside and it’s kind of putting a damper on my daughter’s day. So either get it together and come back inside or leave. Right now I don’t care which one you pick.”

“I’m sorry, Flower,” Sid says at the same time Geno apologizes as well.

“Yeah,” Flower says, “whatever,” and then he’s slipping back through the door and Sid and Geno are alone in the alley.

“Sid,” Geno says but Sid shakes his head.

“I’m going. Go back to the party.”

“Sidney, please.”

“Tell Damien I’m sorry,” Sid says as he makes his way toward the street. “I didn’t mean to be an asshole. I hope you’re happy, Geno. I really do.”

Geno calls his name once more but Sid ignores him and goes straight home.

-

In the whole seven months of Sid being single, the next few days are some of the loneliest.

He doesn’t talk to Flower or Vero, figuring they’re too busy with the stresses of new parenthood to deal with his problems.

He sends one text to Tanger to confirm that he is in fact still alive and not in a drunken stupor.

He goes to work and doesn’t talk to anyone there. Then he goes home and yells at the Pens on TV to just shoot the puck on the power play and then he goes to bed. In the morning, he starts the process all over again.

By Thursday, something inside him snaps.

He’s sitting at his desk listening to the monotonous drone of fingers tapping against keyboards and suddenly he can’t take it anymore. He can’t sit there for one more minute.

He gets up and finds an empty cardboard box in the recycling, packs up his desk, walks into his boss’s office, and quits.

-

The zoo is relatively quiet for a weekday.

There are a few large groups of school children here on field trips but, once Sid skirts around them, he has room to breathe.

He sets a leisurely pace around the park. It’s not as if he has anywhere else to be. He winds his way through the African Savanna, pausing to watch the bright pink flamingos in their enclosure before he moves on. He passes the lions and ostriches and elephants and giraffes before coming to the tropical forest, which seems packed to the brim with over-excited kids. He decides to skip that, figuring if he puts enough space between them he can get to the aquarium during a lull in the action.

He loops around the backside of the elephant enclosure and is just about to start up the long path to the aquarium when Geno emerges from one of the staff buildings with a zookeeper. Geno has a radio in his hand and he’s nodding along with whatever the keeper is saying. Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to be very serious because Geno puts his hand on her shoulder and laughs.

It’s been months since Sid has heard the sound but he hasn’t forgotten how much he loves it.

Geno’s laughter tapers off when he turns and spots Sid standing there in the middle of the pathway.

“Sid?” Geno asks and Sid does the only thing he can think to do. He turns around and runs up the hill.

“Sid!” Geno yells after him and Sid can hear his footsteps pounding against the pavement behind him. “Can’t be serious, Sid! Can’t run away!”

Sid had the head start, but Geno’s legs are longer and just as the aquarium is about to come into view there’s a hand on his arm and Geno is tugging him to a stop.

“What is wrong with you?” Geno asks and Sid shakes his head then drops his hands to his knees so he can bend over and catch his breath. “Why you run?”

“I don’t know,” Sid gasps, “I don’t know. I’m not having a good day and I just … I don’t know.”

“Why you here, Sid?”

Sid takes a deep breath and straightens up. “You know,” he says as he holds his arms out at his sides. “The animals.”

“No, why you here at zoo in middle of work day. You take day off?”

“Kinda. I quit.”

Geno’s eyes go wide and his mouth drops open. “Whoa.”

“Yeah,” Sid agrees, “yup. So I thought I’d drop by the zoo, I guess. It’s been a while.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Umm, probably go get some lunch. It’s about that time isn’t it?”

“No,” Geno says as he shakes his head. “What you going to do for a job?”

“I have no idea. I didn’t plan this. I didn’t wake up this morning knowing it was going to happen but I was sitting there and all of the sudden I just couldn’t be sitting there anymore. I couldn’t do it. I had to get out. I just packed all my shit and quit, no notice or anything. Guess I won’t be using them for a reference.”

“No, guess not.” He eyes Sid warily. “You need to sit down? Don’t look so good.”

Sid laughs at the understatement. “I’m fine,” he says, brushing off Geno’s concern and the grip Geno has on his arm. He feels better with some distance between them. “I’m just going to go.”

“Sid,” Geno calls but he doesn’t come any closer. He shrugs and sighs and looks as exhausted as Sid feels. “Just want to say I’m proud of you.”

“For what, blowing up my whole life?”

Geno takes a moment to think about it and then nods. “Yes.”

-

“So what are you going to do now?”

Sid opens his eyes and finds Estelle staring back at him from her spot on the playmat where Vero has set her. Her eyes are wide and still a bright, baby blue as she shoves a pudgy little arm out toward him. He shifts a little closer on the rug beside her so she can grab a hold of the collar of his shirt and tug.

“Sid,” Flower asks, “are you planning on laying on the rug in my living room forever?”

“Maybe,” Sid says as Estelle reaches for his nose.

“Let him,” Vero says. “This is the quietest Estelle has been in weeks. Do you need anything down there, Sid? A pillow? A blanket? A snack?”

“I’m okay,” Sid says on a sigh. “And I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

“Are you going to be okay?” Vero asks seriously. “With money?”

“I have savings,” Sid tells her. “I can swing it for a little while.”

“I can get you a job at the bakery.”.

“I don’t know how to bake.”

Flower rolls his eyes. “No duh. I meant up front. You think I’d let you touch my pastries?”

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Sid says.

“What do you want to do?” Vero asks. “If you could do anything what would it be? This is your chance to start over. Think of it as a blessing.”

Sid rests his head on his folded arms. “Hockey, I guess.” Vero hums. “Didn’t Cath say they were looking for someone to coach Alex’s team?”

“Tanger said he was going to do it.”

“Oh, god,” Sid laughs. “He’s going to blow up at the refs.”

“I’m sure he’d let you take over if you asked. The pay might be shi- garbage,” Flower says, cutting himself off mid-word, “but you’ll enjoy doing it. You’re good with kids.”

“I could do that,” Sid says softly as he rolls over onto his back.

He could coach and he could be good at it.

-

When Sid steps out on the ice, it feels like coming home. It’s like he can finally breathe again.

He takes a few laps around the fresh ice then grabs his stick and upends the bucket of pucks that he left near the bench. He picks one out and skates the opposite direction, easily keeping the puck in front of him the whole way. He slows to a stop at center ice and takes a breath that’s so deep his lungs burn with the cold air.

He loves this. He can’t believe it took so long to get here.

The calm is broken several seconds later when excited shouts filter in from the hallway that leads back to the locker rooms. The voices get louder and louder until finally the door by the bench opens and the first kids come spilling out. The first kid falls almost immediately but the second steps delicately over the first and skates easily past.

Sid can tell that this is going to be a mess but he can also tell that he’s going to love it.

Flower was right when he said the pay was shit. With the amount of gas it takes to get to the rink twice a week, he might as well be volunteering.

But he strikes up a friendship with the guy who owns the place and picks up some extra shifts renting out skates and teaching beginners the basics out on the ice.

It’s not perfect and it’s dipping into his savings more than he wants, but it’s better than where he was.

He’s never going back to that.

-

The kids have their first game scheduled toward the end of November.

Sid wants them to be prepared so, the practice before the game, Sid maps out a fairly rigorous yet age-appropriate set of drills to hone their skills.

It pretty much goes to hell as soon as the kids step out on the ice, but Sid tries his best to keep them on track.

They all seem to be having fun, though, and by the end of the practice he’s accepted that whatever happens during the game doesn’t matter as long as he can make sure they all have smiles on their faces when it’s over. Win or lose.

Sid always hangs back after practice ends, putting away equipment and waiting for all the kids to get picked up.

One by one, the kids waddle off the ice to their parents until Alex Letang is the only one left.

“Did your dad say that he was going to be running late?” Sid asks as he gently passes the puck back to Alex. Alex stops it with his stick and pushes his helmet back so he can look up at Sid.

“Papa’s not coming.”

“Oh,” Sid says. “Did I know about that? Am I taking you home?”

“Alex! I’m here, sorry for late!”

Sid turns just as Geno steps onto the ice. He slips a bit but catches himself on the boards then slides his way out to meet them at center ice.

“Sorry,” he says, “am watching Alex for Cath and Tanger while they have night out. I drop him off, run some errands, run a little late.”

“It’s okay,” Sid tells him as he rests his hand on Alex’s helmet. “We had fun hanging out after practice, didn’t we?”

Alex nods and his helmet bobbles back and forth.

“Good,” Geno says with a smile. “You go get changed then we go for dinner, okay?”

Alex nods again and slowly skates off, leaving Sid alone with Geno at center ice.

“Was real happy when Tanger told me you’re coaching. Know how much you love.”

“I’m having fun,” Sid tells him. “It’s a lot of work, the kids can be a lot to handle sometimes, but I think it’s worth it. I just want to make sure they still love the game after they step off the ice, you know? That’s important.”

“I know Alex loves. He talk about hockey the whole way here. He say he’s excited to see you and play with you.”

“Aww,” Sid says and ducks his head to hide the blush. “Alex is a good kid and a good player. He’s got a lot of potential.”

Geno nods then steps closer. He looks more serious now and Sid knows the harmless small talk has come to an end.

“Sid, you have time to talk? Have lots to say. Lots I need to say. Can come to dinner with us if you have time.”

“You want to talk in front of Alex?”

“I know McDonald’s near here with play area. My treat.”

“Very fancy,” Sid says and Geno smiles. Sid smiles back. “Let me go change.”

Alex can’t sit still in his seat as Geno unboxes his Happy Meal. He’s bouncing up and down and staring at the playscape.

“Aren’t you tired from practice, bud?” Sid asks.

Alex shakes his head and Geno laughs. “No kid is ever too tired for play. Eat first.” He taps his finger against the table to get Alex’s attention. “Three nuggets, four apple slices, half of milk, then you can go play.”

“But Geno,” Alex starts to whine and Geno is quick to cut him off.

“You want to make it four nuggets?”

With a heavy sigh Alex shakes his head and starts to eat, shoving an entire chicken nugget into his mouth at once to speed up the process.

“Chew well, please,” Geno says and Alex rolls his eyes and makes over exaggerated chewing noises. “You are your father’s son,” Geno tells him warmly and steals two of his fries.

Alex is finished eating before Sid is even halfway through his burger and Geno warns him to be careful as he jumps down from his chair and runs straight for the slide.

“You’re good with him,” Sid says and Geno shrugs as he pops the nugget that Alex left behind into his mouth.

“I figure out how to handle big Tanger, mini Tanger is no problem.” He wipes his hands on a napkin and stares across the table at Sid, face suddenly serious. “Sid, have to apologize.”

“No,” Sid jumps in, “you really don’t.”

“Do,” Geno insists, “should never have called you failure. Didn’t mean it.”

“You had it ready to go pretty quickly.”

Geno winces. “I plan things to say before I see you. If it goes well and we get along, I say this, if it goes bad then I say that. Knew it would hurt you, that’s why I say. Not proud of it, not believe it.”

“But it’s true,” Sid says quietly. “Name one thing I’ve succeeded at.”

“You good person,” Geno says and when Sid scoffs Geno darts his hand across the table so he can cover Sid’s. “Serious. You always there when friends need you, you teach little kids hockey, you love family.”

“Lots of people do that.”

“Yes, so? Doesn’t mean it’s not still good.”

“You’re just trying to make me feel better,” Sid says and Geno sighs. “I wasted years of my life at that stupid job. Everyone told me to quit, _you_ told me to quit, and I dragged my feet doing it.”

“I push you too hard. I not understand that not everyone is like me. I don’t like doing something, I don’t do it, I see something I want, I go get it. I don’t think. Always been like that. Is how we first meet, you know? I see you in bar, I think he’s perfect, have to go meet.” Geno squeezes Sid’s hand when Sid ducks his head and laughs. “But you different. You plan and think and take your time. Is why it took me whole night to get your number.”

“You seemed too good to be true,” Sid says, “I had to be sure.”

Geno leans back looking incredibly self-satisfied.

“I was so happy with you,” Sid says and the cocky smile slips from Geno’s face. “So happy for so long, so I thought I didn’t have any right to complain about my shitty job. As long as I could come home to you, what did it really matter where I spent my day? But then things starting getting tense between us and I didn’t have a place where I was happy anymore and things just spiraled. Something had to give.”

“Us first,” Geno says softly then puts his hand over his head. “Is my fault, too. I saw what was happening but I don’t know how to fix. I try to get us to talk but don’t have anything to say when we do talk. I couldn’t help us. I even thought maybe if we get married …”

“I would have said no,” Sid tells him. “Not because I didn’t love you — I did. I do. I’ll always love you — but because it wouldn’t have fixed anything.”

“I know,” Geno says, “but still, maybe if I ask you a few years ago …”

Sid shakes his head. “No. I think this was always going to happen. There’s nothing you could have done to stop it. We got older, we changed. It just happened.”

“I miss you,” Geno says. “You were my best friend, I see you every day and now we don’t even talk. Want my friend back.”

“We can talk. We always said we were going to stay friends. I think maybe we’re both ready. You should come to Alex’s game. I know Flower and Vero and Estelle are coming. We could all go out afterwards. Bring Damien, I promise I won’t be a dick to him this time.”

Geno laughs. “Yes, okay.” He smiles at Sid. “Friends.”

-

Alex’s team loses, badly.

But Alex netted a goal (a soft little thing that only happened because the other goalie was distracted by waving to his parents in the stands) and none of the kids are crying at the end and a fight didn’t break out between any of the parents or between the parents and the refs, so Sid decides to take it as a moral victory.

Sid gives all the kids a post-game speech out on the ice after they congratulate the other team. He tells them how proud of them he is and how important it was that they all tried their best and had fun doing it.

As soon as he steps off the ice Alex flies into his parents’ arms, chattering happily about his goal and asking over and over again if they saw it.

Behind them are Vero and Flower and Geno, who is holding a bundled-up Estelle in his arms.

“Good game, Coach,” Geno tells him. “You’ll get them next time.”

“The kids had fun, that’s all that matters.” He holds his hand out so Estelle can grab onto his index finger. “Are you here alone? Where’s Damien?”

“Ah,” Geno shrugs, “busy. Couldn’t come. Maybe next time. We still going out for food?”

“Yeah, for sure.” Between them Estelle starts to fuss. “Somewhere family friendly.

-

Almost overnight it seems like Geno is everywhere.

He picks Alex up from practice most nights and then takes the three of them out to dinner. Sometimes it’s McDonald’s, sometimes it's the diner that serves breakfast all day — the one where Alex gets pancakes and a huge ice cream sundae.

He comes to games and cheers along with the parents and, when Sid drops by to visit Estelle, Geno’s usually already there, bouncing Estelle on his knee and gently teasing Sid for not bringing her a toy.

“Is competition, Sid, for best godparent. You losing by a lot.”

“I’m not going to buy her love,” Sid tells him as he eyes the growing pile of stuffed animals. “Plus, it’s not fair, my work doesn’t even have a gift shop.”

“Sounds like excuse,” Geno says but he knocks his shoulder into Sid and Sid leans into him.

Geno must add Sid’s number back into his phone because they start to text. A lot.

Geno asks him odd things. The name of the restaurant they once went to the first year they started dating or the movie they saw that a few years ago that gave Sid nightmares.

Little, inconsequential things that leave Sid wondering why they’re so important.

Just before Sid climbs into bed one night his phone buzzes with another text.

It’s a photo of two shirts, a red and a blue and the message _which one??_

 _You’re better at clothes than I am,_ Sid texts back.

_Better for what looks good for fun things but not for boring things. Charity event at zoo. Have to dress up. Blue or red?_

_You like those events. You always had a lot of fun at them._

_Getting old, getting tired. Need boring fashion advice._

_The red one_ , Sid sends back and then he adds _you dick._

Geno immediately sends him a million thumbs up emojis before a very sincere sounding _thank you, sleep well._

Sid sets his phone on the table beside the bed and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

A few nights later Geno texts him again.

 _Babysitting_ , the first text reads, then _bored_ , and _come to Flower’s._

_Why are you bored?_

_Estelle is asleep. No one to talk to ((((((((_

Sid turns his phone over and over in his hand. He types out _shouldn’t you be asking Damien to come over_ and _call Damien_ before deleting both. He and Geno are friends. They’re allowed to hang out.

 _Give me fifteen minutes_ he sends back.

_Best, Sid! Bring pizza._

“Late,” Geno says when he opens the door twenty minutes later. He’s bundled up in a sweatshirt with the sleeves pulled down past his fingers and sweatpants that have University of Pittsburgh written on the side.

“I was getting garlic knots,” Sid says as he tips the pizza box forward into Geno’s chest and the paper bag slides forward. “It took extra time. Where are Flower and Vero tonight?”

“Went out for date,” Geno says as he sets the box down on the kitchen table. “First real one since Estelle was born. Here.” He holds his hand out. “Give me coat. I’ll hang up.”

Sid slides his coat off his shoulders and hands it over. “How long has Estelle been asleep?”

“About an hour. Probably wake up soon for change but maybe we can watch a little bit of game before that. Starts late tonight. Out on West Coast.”

They finish eating by the end of the first period and, despite Geno’s assurance that he’ll clean up later, Sid still gets up to sort out the dirty dishes.

“It won’t take long,” Sid tells him, “and we’re at intermission anyway. All that is is a bunch of dumb broadcasters saying the Pens need to shoot more on the power play.”

“Pass too much,” Geno mutters. “Going to miss Potash interview. Always fun.”

“I’ll be right back,” Sid promises as he sets the dishes down in the sink and turns on the hot water. He looks over his shoulder toward the couch at the back of Geno’s head and the relaxed set of his shoulders. Sid clears his throat. “Hey, so, I have a question.”

Geno turns his head.

“Why did you ask me to come over tonight?”

Geno turns his whole body around and drapes his arm over the back of the couch. “Want to hang out with friend.”

“I get that,” Sid says quickly, “and that’s fine but you know, you’re babysitting, the kid is asleep … not to get too high school cliche on you, but usually people call their boyfriend to come over. Is he busy tonight?”

“Don’t know,” Geno says. “We broke up.”

“Oh.” Sid’s brain goes completely offline and Geno turns back around on the couch. “I’m sorry. When?”

“A month ago.”

“Oh,” Sid says again because it was around a month ago that he and Geno started hanging out. “That sucks. I’m sorry.”

“Is okay. He was nice but not forever, you know?”

“Sure,” Sid says with a slow nod. “I get that.” He watches Geno’s shoulder’s rise and fall as Geno takes a deep breath in and out. He feels like there should be more to say here but he can’t seem to find the words.

Geno, on the other hand, seems content to let the topic of conversation die and turns up the volume a few clicks as Dan Potash flashes across the screen standing next to an exhausted Olli Maatta. “Hurry up, Sid,” Geno says, “going to miss.”

Sid turns around and reaches for the sponge.

Around the halfway point of the second period the weight of the carbs kick in.

His eyelids start to feel heavy and he can’t track the puck very well on the screen. He slouches down on the couch and tries to put his feet up on the coffee table but falls just a bit short, something that absolutely delights Geno.

“Small,” he laughs and Sid moves to kick at his thigh but Geno grabs him around the ankle and hauls both of Sid’s feet up onto his lap. “Tiny.” Sid rolls his eyes as he positions himself on the couch, trying to get comfortable. Geno digs his thumb into the arch of Sid’s foot and Sid bites back a gasp.

“Okay,” Geno asks, his fingers going still against Sid’s foot and Sid nods.

“It’s fine. Feels good. I’m on my feet a lot now. They get sore.”

Geno tsks and presses a little harder as Sid sighs happily.

The game continues on and, as the second period starts to wind down, Sid notices Geno sneaking little looks at him as a smile tugs at the corner of his lips.

“What are you looking at?,” Sid finally asks. “Do I have something on my face?”

“No, no,” Geno says with a shake of his head. “No. You look calm is all. Relaxed.” He shrugs. "Happy. Been a while since I seen you like this. Look good on you, is all.”

“Oh.” “You happy, Sid?”

Sid doesn’t need to think twice about it. “Yeah. I have a great family and great friends and a job I love. I’m happy.”

“You have everything you want,” Geno says and Sid bites his lip.

It’s not everything, he thinks as he looks Geno over. He wants more.

“I have almost everything,” he says and Geno stops rubbing his foot and looks over at him. The air is thick with tension and Geno moves so slowly it almost makes Sid want to scream. It makes him want to reach out and pull their bodies flush together. It’s been so long and Sid just wants.

“You sure?” Geno whispers, their lips almost touching. Sid nods and tips his face up.

When they kiss, it feels like the first time all over again.

-

The kids win their next game. A resounding 5-1 victory that leaves them all so excited that Sid needs to give them all a gentle reminder about being a gracious winner before they line up to meet with the other team.

Sid shakes the hand of the opposing coach then skates back to the bench with a huge smile on his face as his team slowly files off the ice to find their parents.

Geno is waiting for him right as he steps off.

He gets both hands on the side of Sid’s face and presses a kiss to his lips before sweeping him up in a bone-crushing hug.

“So good, Sid! Kids play so well! You best coach!”

“I’m really proud of them,” Sid says when Geno loosens his grip enough for Sid to breath.

Geno pulls back, still beaming, and kisses him again, chaste and sweet. “Going out to start car, so cold out, but then we go wherever you want to celebrate, okay? Your turn to pick.”

“Okay,” Sid says, unable to stop himself from laughing in the face of Geno’s enthusiasm. Geno kisses his forehead before he steps away down the hall toward the front door.

“Mr. Crosby?”

Sid looks down to find Tina Baker, who had two goals and one assist today, staring back up at him.

“Was that your boyfriend?”

Sid looks back down the hall where Geno is pulling both his keys and his beanie out of his pocket. He pauses at the door like he’s bracing himself for the cold before he pushes it open and steps out, his shoulders immediately hiking up to his ears against the blast.

Sid loves him. He’s always loved him.

“Yeah,” Sid says as warmth floods his heart, “that’s him.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is [ here.](https://secret-sidgeno-writer.tumblr.com/)


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